4.29.2012

First Separation: Team Budwire

Karamihan sa friends ko na nakilala or nabasa na si Budwire sa blogelya, sya ang gustong makatuluyan ko. Not Totong, not Jonel, not Magic, not Marvin, not Papa El, and definitely not any of the canton boys. But if I were to choose one, malamang hindi si Budwire ang piliin ko.

Conceited much?! Di ko narealize, I was becoming one of those proverbial people na nasa harap na ang kailangan eh hindi pa pahalagahan at di pa ipaglaban.

Ewan ko ba, may mga eksena lang sa buhay love notes namin ni Budwire na alam kong hindi swak.


I've said this like a million trending times. Loss ako mam! Yung itsura ni Budwire yung tipong kakalantariin at ie-exploit ng sangkabaklaan, lalo na at ganyan na mejo slowvenia republic pa madalas ang lolo mo. Simply put, gwapo sha. Yun din naman ang una kong napansin the first time I met him. Di na agad mapakali ang hasang ko, nilaklak ko yung tinda nyang stir-fried noodles ng wala sa oras, tumagal lang ang stay ko sa pwesto nya. Amidst the thesis, practicum, terror department head at call center duties, wala na talaga akong karapatan to walk under te moon and smell the bugambilyas. But no! Di lang ako dumaan sa pwesto nya, tumambay pa!

Nung minsan magkasama kami uli. Chinese New Year yun kaya nakipag nomoan kami sa mga pseudo-intsik. Ayaw pa nga sumama at pinaparada ko daw sha pero shempre nanaig ang pagkauhaw ko sa redhorse at sa pagnanasa kong mang-inggit kaya gorabells palsy na rin sha. Me kainuman kaming beki at borboli. At siniguro kong maninikip ang paghinga at mangingimay ang panga nung beki sa pagnganga. Kung pwede ko lang siguro ilagay sa beaker at isama sa science experiment ang laway ni bektaz, baka nadiskubre ko na ang core values at dynamic composition ng origin ng lantod at landi ng bekihood! Partida hindi pa ganun ka-fresh (ayon sa kanya mismo) si Daduds: semi-kalbo na humaba na ang buhok, super luwag na shirt, tanned na balat. In his own words, di na daw sha gwapo. Pero si bakla, kulang na lang eh ihagis ako sa outer space para masolo nya ang kasama ko.

Soft lips, almost perfect white set of teeth, fair skin with a few battle scars and anlakas-makatunaw-ng-polar-caps na eyes. Kung magha-hiking to sa Antartica, malamang eh bumaha talaga ng natunaw na yelo at magsimula bigla ang prediction ng Mayan calendar!

I just feel na mashado shang gwapo para sa kin. Wala akong katiwa-tiwala sa ganda ko pag sha ang kasama ko. Yung minsanan na nagkakasama kami di na ko mapakali, what more pag panghabambuhay?! Baka atakihin ako maya't maya ng insecurities, di ko bet.

Habang inuman natatawa lang ako. Si beki, bumirada ng english! Impernes naintindihan ni Daduds. Bakit kamo? Pareho silang wrong grammar. Sabi nga ni Gwen, not so fetch si bakla kasi hindi naman porke EOP galore ka eh intimidating or angat na ang estado mo. Mas madalas it makes you look pretentious and eksaherada lalo na kung sala-salabid ang simuno at panag-uri mo, lahukan mo pa ng halukay-ubeng parts of speech at kinalamay na sentence construction!

Si beki, me sariling set of bloopers. Lahat ng P nya, tunog F, and vice versa -- Singafore, plawer, fink, pusha, farlor, at sfeech. Masakit daw ang likod nya kaya ipapa-check nya ang spiral cord nya. Antaray ng likod, paikot ganun?! Yun daw pinsan nya na nurse, pang 21 sa bar exam. Muntik nang mapasama sa top 10, pare-pareho daw yung scores ng top 11-23. Shala, pandayin natin ang score ng lahat! At bar exam talaga ha - nurselaloo na, attorney galore pa! Me juice din dun sa table, pomegranate yung flavor. Drink si beki, sabay basa uli sa label, and with full conviction eh umispluk: "Ahhhh, strawberry. Inubos ko na." Maasim nga rin naman at parehong may vitamin C!

Etong pandadaot ko ngayun ke beki eh black propaganda talaga mam. Pero yung ke Daduds eh hindi ko sinadya. I never intended for Argiel's bloopers to become his trademark ditey sa blogelya kez. Nagkataon lang na nung una ko shang nakasama, yun talaga ang bonggacious na attribute nya bukod sa physically eh gwapo talaga sha. Sabagay the first time I ever written a blog about him, I already knew that I'm gonna keep him. Dapat pala nun pa lang in-upsell ko na si Daduds. Dapat pala sinarili ko na lang yung "budwire". Kasi, in a way, part ng charm nya yan, at shang dahilan kung bakit gustong gusto ko shang isulat.

If you are a fan of F. R. I. E. N. D. S. like me, I'm sure you love the character of Matt Le Blanc. Hot, charming, loyal, pero medyo dense and slow, at minahal sha ng fans at viewers dahil dun. Budwire is so much like Joey Tribbiani, the same way na para akong si Phoebe Buffay madalas, talking to myself, weird at baliwag. Si Joey ang isa sa pinaka-loved kong characters sa teeveey. Yung pagka-delayed reaction nya, yung pagka-babaero nya, yung pagka-maparaan at ma-diskarte nya, lahat yun nakita ko ke Daduds.

I guess I always write about Daduds' bloopers to compensate for my lack of confidence and and for my insecurities about his good looks and obvious masculinity. Para pantay lang kami, ako hindi trophy wife material, sha hindi book-smartish. Quits lang!

He really surprised me during that inuman. I never thought he has depth! Ganun ako ka-self-absorbed! Yung mga sinabi nya that night made me think a lot of how I look at him, and how I look at myself. In short, nasopla ako, mam. Sure, hindi nya maii-discuss sa akin ang molecular composition ng mga atomic particles na dmadapo sa ibabaw ng maalikabok kong lamesa, and yes malabong mai-explain nya sa kin ang political at financial crisis sa America. But he is more than that. He's so much more than Budwire.

That night, in-interogate ang lolo mong gwapo ng beking (medjo) shunga (slight) kung anu daw ba ang eksena namin, anong status anong linear relationship, anong lebel ng friendship, anong kuda sa landi, at kung anong depth ng pagkakakilala namin sa isa't isa.

I just smiled and answered in my most "mapang-inggit" at "mapag-parada" style, while occasionally holding his knees, rubbing his thighs, playing with his fingers, leaning against him, and around four to five light kisses on his lips. Just to show how deep and close we were. And I guess na-gets din naman ni Daduds yung need ko to show off, kaya extra lambing din sha, at the same time eh tumatawa ang mga mata, as if they were telling me na "ipinaparada mo na naman ako" or "iniinggit mo naman yang kasama mo..."

Nung sya na yung tinatanong, ako yung nagulat sa mga sagot nya. Yung sagot nya eh ganito yung thought: Ayos lang naman sa kin, alam ko naman may iba shang boyfriend pag wala ako. Basta ako pag pinapapunta nya dito, pumupunta naman ako agad. Eh lagi ko naman shang tinetext kaso pag nagrereply sha ilang araw pa. Di nga ako kinukumusta nyan, nagtetxt lang sha pag nauna ko. Ayoko naman pumunta bigla dito ng di nya alam kasi baka may kasama shang iba, o baka wala sha. Ako nandito lang naman kung kelan nya ko gustong makita.


Actually, totoo naman yun. Nahiya nga ako bigla sa mga sagot nya. Ako naman kasi talaga ang nagde-decide kung kelan kami magkikita. Pag wala akong lakad, pag wala akong okasyon, pag wala akong pasok, pag me budget ako, pag wala akong ibang kembot, pag wala akong kainuman. I never dive in, I always test the waters, nakalutang ang ulo sa tubig, takot na takot malunod sa pag-ibig. How could I even dare, eh sa "standards" ko (akalain mo yun?!) di sha pasok sa banga. Ganun lang katigas ang panga ko, to even think that.

Subconsciously, sa simula pa lang, nilagyan ko na ng line kung ano yung posibleng maging kami. I never gave Daduds the chance. I never gave myself the chance.

Nung simulan ko ang "Separations" ko, I was on the verge of panic. Di ko makontak si Daduds! Friday ang alis ko, Saturday na di ko pa sha nakokontak. All his previous numbers were unattended, the only number that was working, di nya sinasagot. And ang alam ko di na nya maalala yung password nung fb account kaya di rin nya binubuksan. So I kept on contacting him through the only working number that I have.

Saturday night, kasama ko si Medusa, nung finally eh me sumagot sa call. Kaso nasa work daw siya at waley nung time na yun. So nagbilin na lang ako na tatawag or magtetext uli, and to tell him na aalis na nga ako soon, and I need to see him.

"Oo sige, ipapasabi ko na lang sa asawa nya. Tulog na rin kasi." Boom!

To say that I was shocked would probably be the biggest understatement of the decade, yet it would more or less confirm what I have always suspected. In my heart, I have always known, I just didn't want to accept it. And it couldn't come to a better timing. I told myself, pasok na sa banga ang info na nakuha ko, it would be way easier for me to move on and have my first degree of separation from Daduds. At least I was right not to give my whole heart out, I was right to have my reservations.

Still, it hurts. Too much emotional pain, bordering on physical manifestations. Relax, it's psychosomatic. It's all in your head. Magic Beki Shield, activate! Too many separations to face, too many people to meet, too many despedidas to attend to. No time for my sandal-sa-dingding moment. It would have to come later.

Kinabukasan, nag-text na si Daduds, and we were able to set my separation from him on Monday. Keri na yun, naka-recover na ko sa initial shock ko sa asawa nya, plus Ka-te was also scheduled to visit ng Monday night, so di naman ako mage-emote ng todo. Good thing din na andun si Ka-te, sagot na nya ang food hehehe.

Come Monday night, she prepared seafood pasta for our dinner, steamed shrimp for pulutan, iced tea cum basil leaves for her, and the ever-present redhorse for me and Daduds. Andun pa sa balur yung junakis ng kababata ko kaya chill na chill ang ambiance. So we proceeded with our usual set-up: inuman ng redhorse, panakaw na kisses (kasi me kasamang iba), picture-picture, interview portion, asaran. His brand of comedic timing was really entertaining. Yung hindi trying hard na magpatawa, kasi yun mga reaction at comments nya sa mga nangyayari eh funny na in itself.

Ka-te, bilang pag-acknowledge malamang na moment ko yun, at walang taga-Baguio sa paligid, eh beki-centric ang topics. Thank God for wonderful friends! Mga tema ng kwentuhan namin were actually intellectual na nagkukunwaring kaswal, and he handled them so well. Yung tipong sa mga sagot nya eh ako pa yung lumalabas na masama. Sample:

Ka-te: Bakit nga ba hindi na lang maging kayo?
Daduds: Eh ayaw naman nya (sabay turo sa kin)
Ka-te: Ikaw pala me ayaw eh.
Daduds: Madaming boyfriend yan, hintayin mo mamaya pag lasing na yan, kinukwento nya naman.
BM: Anong kinukwento? Wala naman akong ibang bowa ah...
Daduds: Mamaya hintayin mo pag lasing na yan. Minsan nga pag nagtetext ako ang sinasabi nya di sha pwede kasi me kasama sha.
Ka-te: Oh kasalanan mo naman pala talaga.
Daduds: Tingnan mo cellphone nyan, maraming lalaki hahaha.

Marami pang eksena na natatawa na lang ako, at the same time I was feeing so small. While I was feeling like he's hiding something, I guess in turn, I have always made him feel insignificant. Tipong booty call. Pag kinakati ako, saka ko lang sha naaalala. Contemplating on this makes me hate myself. Tigas lang talaga ng mukha ko. But since this is our separation night, I'd rather focus on the here and now of it all.

I never confronted him about the phone call incident. I just enjoyed his presence, kissed him every chance I got, and made him feel special. Binigay ko rin yung binili kong v-neck shirts sa Divine na babaunin ko sana. I may have had misgivings about the "two of us", but it doesn't matter now. I'm going away and I want this last night to be remembered.


As cliche as this may sound, it was one of the most casually-disguised magical evening. We stayed true to our tradition -- redhorse, kisses and bloopers -- and believe it or not, those bloopers were mine! We even had our very first fansign: Team Budwire courtesy of Ka-te and Dave.


As I was wrote this blog weeks after I left, complete with emote and eksena while listening to I Have Nothing and I Will Always Love You, a couple of tears fell for Daduds. I guarded my heart really well, and I can only wonder. What if I dove in, head first, without any parachutes or cautions? What if I never had my reservations about him? What if I just got lost into those dazzling eyes and became blinded by his captivating smile? I guess we'll never know. Still, I wish him joy, happiness, and yes, above all, I wish him love.

I'm taking the memories with me. Soon, I'll have my own version of happiness. Something that resembles this picture.

For now, let me hum Whitney's songs in my sleep...

Yes, Daduds.

I will always love you.

Bloopers and all.

7 comments:

  1. ang ganda ganda mo teh! at ang gwapo gwapo niya. kabogera ka talaga bm! nakakasad lang yung goodbye :((

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  2. honestly, ambigat sa loob after kong basahin to. midway ayaw ko ng tapusin basahin because i know where it will end. but somehow i find myself continue reading this bec, i must admit, some parts of your story is a reflection to my own tragedy.

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    Replies
    1. i hate goodbyes but
      pardon me madam! i dont believe that it was your last with budwire mam!

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  3. Paborito ko itong series mo na ito. Ang gaganda ng mga litrato, at dalang dala mo ang iyong mga mambabasa sa iyong pag kuwento.:)

    Hay BM, ang intense. Iba talaga ang mga pagpapaalam.

    Kane

    ReplyDelete