0.0001

Kulang-kulang sa isandaang milyong tao sa Pilipinas. Kulang-kulang sa pitong bilyong tao sa mundo. Ilang porsyento ang apektado dito? Sabi sa census, sa Pinas daw eh 0.0001%. Humigit kumulang sa sampung libo.

This is yet another difficult blog I'll ever write. Because after I hit that "publish post" button, everything changes.


Bloggers everywhere are writing about a common theme. It's like the universe has conspired and asked the muse goddesses to talk nonstop about one thing: AIDA Macaraeg y Macaspac and HIVy Violan. Two deadly grenades waiting to explode. It's a one-two punch that will surely knock you out.

I personally applaud The Love Yourself Project. I support this and I'll go there for the photoshoot on Sunday. Si Migs, the Manila Gay Guy eh todo-promote sa pagpapa-test. Si Bong na kakaalam pa lang na positive sha at ngayun eh nagsisimula ng panibago (although di ko bet na kumembang sha ulit after five days -- ke safe man yun o hindi)... Si nameless ata na guy na nagkaroon ng rashes, and looking for a job... Also Bohemian who's an active HIV blogger.

I have always wanted to be tested. This post was kept in my drafts since last year. Ganun katagal ko ng pinaghandaan yung araw na kekembot ako papuntang San Lazaro at magpapa-test. It was just so damn scary! Sobrang nakakangatog ng tuhod, sobrang nakakahina ng katawan, at sobrang nakakapawis ng malamig!

Ewan ko ba, parang signs are piling up, na dapat ko na shang harapin. A priest slash friend slash tatay-tatayan slash mentor never fails to mention this every time he gives his "thoughts of the minister". Eh sha kasi ang chaplain ng San lazaro Hospital, kaya aware na aware sha sa mga kinakaharap ng mga taong nadale ni Aling Aida. Sa tuwing eeksena sha ng panawagan sa pag-iingat at pananakot sa amin, laging nagli-linger ang tingin nyan sa akin sabay sabing "Mag-ingat mga anak. Ayokong makita kayo doon balang araw."

Pag nagko-confess ako, sasabihin sa akin, tumataas na ang rate ng Aida sa Pinas. Nung nagbasa-basa naman ako ng articles sa interchuvanet, sabi ditey sa article eh mababa daw ang rate ng positive sa atin, kasi sa population ng Pinas na halos 100 million, less than 10k (as of 2011) ang documented infected. Sabi sa kin nung medtech, 9129 daw ang recorded case. High estimate of people not tested yet is at 12k++.

Halos sa lahat ng sulok, nakakakita ako ng mga eksena na nagtutulak sa akin into taking the test. And I found out how selfish and cowardly I really am. Tuloy lang si Beki sa pakikipagkembangan. Mostly eh boda-boda, ang kembang night eh reserved sa mga note-worthy na pang eight octaves. I assured myself na dahil mga straight ang karamihan sa mga kinukuda ko, at hindi sila exposed sa mga beki sa kolcener, safe ako.

To say that I was scared was an understatement. I was terrified! This single test could end everything for me. Iniisip ko na kanino ko ido-donate ang kidney ko pag nagkataon, and then I remembered it would never be accepted. Nailigtas ko nga sa renal failure, pinasahan ko naman ng virus. Lugi!

I was determined to let it pass. To ignore the signs. To remain in the dark. In effect, i was determined to keep my fears, than to face the fear itself. I didn't love myself that much, I guess. I'd rather not know and assume that I am safe, than accept the possibility that I might have it. As per statistics, out of every four carriers, one of them doesn't even know he has it. I didn't wanna get tested because I didn't want to be one of the four--aware or not!

And then the signs just got louder and louder, deafening even. No, people and friends didn't tell me to find out. It was like I already felt I have it, even though I wasn't sure... Yet. For the record, I'm not a slut. Im just popular with, uhmm, indiscriminate men.

For months, I would flinch everytime I hear it. From a priest/mentor, from an ad in Mandaluyong saying AIDS is incurable, from my confessor saying the last beki who confessed to him admitted to being a carrier, from gay bloggers all over blogospheria, and from that teeny-tiny little voice within -- urging, pushing, demanding, threatening even.

Lately, super iyakin ko lang talaga. Yung pinakahuling breakdown ko, kumusta naman, sa FX na byaheng Cogeo-Cubao. I went to see my best friend, Corporal Aveno, after five loooooong years. Dati nga, yung weekend lang na di ko sha makita, halos ikapatid na ng katinuan ko. Eto ffffffiiiiiiiivvvvvveeeee years! Kaya halos maubos namin yung isang case ng San Mig Pale Pilsen. At nung pauwi na, kantahan ba naman ako bigla ni Pareng Chito M. ng "Buloy", ngawa talaga ako. Good thing, mag-isa lang naman ako na pasahero, at madaling araw na nga yun. Chauffer lang ang treatment ko kay Manong, may wall kami, di sha privvy sa ekxena ko!

Kahit yung byahe ko araw-araw from Anonas to any part of Luzon, emotional. Isipin mo, ang haba ng oras ko to contemplate, reflect and emote. Morong ba naman, 4-5 hours ang balikan na byahe. Kundi pa ba naman ako maka-quota ng inarte nun di ba?!

Still, umemote lang ako. But i didn't do anything. I know I am a sinner. But like any other sinners, I'll worry about them tomorrow. I knew my sins are bound to catch up with me someday. But I reassured myself na hindi pa ngayun ang oras para don. Now is not the time to pay for my crime. It will happen, I know that. And that's what scares me the most.

One night I woke up having a dream about it. At ngumalngal na lang ako ng magdamag sa kwarto ko. Hindi ako pumasok sa work ng tatlong araw. Ang press release ko kay Yaya, cancelled ang klase ko. Ang press release ko sa school hinihika ako. Ang press release ko sa sarili ko, I deserve a break after all those studying and all those degrees. No one knew about this. I was just so depressed, bumabangon lang ako para magpabili ng pagkain, magbanyo at magpalit ng dvd sa player! Tatlong araw akong hindi nagtoothbrush!

Naisip ko nung nagkautang-utang ako para sa braces ko dati, tapos ngaun eh pinapabayaan ko na lang sha mabulok. Naisip ko yung kikitain ko sana kundi ako naginarte ng 3 days at yung babayaran ko sa agency. Pakshet! Sa kakuriputan kong ito, nakuha kong humindi sa pera at sayangin ang investment kong blinding smile?!

That was when i knew i hit rock bottom. Nasa kaila-ilaliman na ko ng aking 3-day depression. The joke was on me yet no one was laughing.

I should have waited for the oomph. Someone who would jump on top of a grenade for me. I deserve that kind of love. I should have danced to the fiery tune of life and love. I should have waited for the right time, the right place, the right partner. Regrets, sandamakmak ka talaga sa buhay ng isang taong nagkamali.

For my sanity and peace of mind, search akeiwa ng link ni Migs pra sa nearest social hygiene clinic sa balur. Present ang bernardo chenelin malapit sa Ramon Magsaysay HS. I went there ng weekday, walang kain kain, baka isuka ko lang. Naligaw pa ko at pumasok sa isang dental clinic. Eh Dr. Bernardo ung dentista, malay ko ba! Natunton ko rin naman, tabi ng fire station pala.

This is it. Panginginig ng tuhod, pagkabog ng dibdib, pagtayo ng balahibo, panunuyo ng lalamunan, check lahat! I wouldn't be like this if I knew I wasn't at risk. For me, the fear I felt is a punishment itself. No one deserved this kind of emotional torment. And I went through hell alone. Balak ko pa nga, pag di pabor sa kin ang resulta, paglabas na paglabas ko ng clinic eh direcho na sa EDSA. Isang bus lang ang katapat ko, tapos na lahat ng problema.

Pag-akyat ko, walang ibang pasyente. Direcho ako sa registration, ni hindi ko na nagawang mag-alias at maglagay ng chararat na name and address. May counseling, kung san nakukuha, pano maiiwasan, gano karaming cases na meron, the usual pre-testing chuva. Then, pasok na sa room ng medtech.

Si Madam, since hindi ganong ka-busy, more chika more fun. Dinadaan ako sa palabok, para siguro wag akong kabahan. Kung alam nya lang kung gano ko kagusto na ngumawa at ngumalngal sa harap nya ng mga oras na yun. It was pure hell. Ganun siguro ang lasa ng impyerno. Pakiramdam ko, sinisilaban ang buong pagkatao ko, at ang masakit, di ko mailabas, di ko mai-express.

Pagkakuha ng dugo, ipinatak sa rapid test kit. Abot-tanaw lang sha ng mga mata ko, sa peripheral vision eh pwede kong masipat kung pasok ba o ligwak ako sa banga. Tuloy pa rin Madam ng kwento para ma-distract siguro ako. Sumasagot naman ako sa bawat tanong nya, pero parang dubbing lang. Dumadaan sa bibig bawat pangungusap, pero matik mode lang, hindi na pinag-isipan.

Yung takot na nararamdaman ko habang naghihintay ng bente minutos, dumadaan sa isip, rumerehistro sa puso, sumusundot sa kaluluwa. Bente minutos, pero pakiramdam ko yun ang magtatakda ng mga susunod na taon sa buhay ko.

The results came at last. It wasn't dramatic, it wasn't theatrical, it wasn't even climactic. When she told me the results, in my heart I already knew. And I cried.



"I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me, leave a past behind me... today my life begins.
The whole new world is waiting, it's mine for the taking, I know I can make it... today my life begins."