Nobody's Beki

"His smell reminded her of thunderbolts and ligthnings, howling winds and pelting rain, soft bed, pluffy pillows and her blanket on a cold, stormy night."



Naibaba ko ang pocketbook na hawak ko at napaisip. Would there be such a man in my life? Yung ganung klaseng comfort ang kayang ibigay? Yung ganung klaseng security ang kayang ipadama? Yung ganung klaseng Oomph feeling ang kering iprovide? Guess what?

I found him. No, strike that. He found me.

Hindi ko mainindihan bat pag kilig na kilig ako, hindi ako makapagsulat. Wala akong mabuong mga katha, wala akong malikhang mga salita. Nagiging alipin ako ng kilig na maligalig. Nagiging lutang ang utak ng bakla. Nawawala ang creativity. Kahit kumuda sa friendships di ko magawa. Nganga lang lagi ang peg, at mag-blush ng walang humpay..

Kaya naman lately, kahit gano kapagod at kahaggard sa work, kahit nadaot pa ko ng isang di kagandahang beki, kahit waley laging anda si pocketlaloo, kahit pa kamo nagenrol na naman ako ng 3 subjects dahil may deficiency pa rin ang license ko, kebs!

This time I didn't just choose happiness. Happiness chose me. Just in time as well, when I needed him most.

Twitter became a popular means of communication for atashi, and mas updated akez sa twitter kasi ambilis mag-post davah? Kung ikaw ay masusing tagasubaybay ni BM (sana naman) sa twitter (follow me @baklangmaton hehehe), im sure u know my "kabaliwan episode" sa Zombadings. It wasn't just an episode actually, I built real friendships with real people -- the right people if I may add. Mula noong eni-eni event na winerva at award, lagi na kong masaya.

That day, I met Macoi.

His was the longest handshake. Yung 30-40 seconds ng daupang-palad sa ganap na alas seiz y beinte kwatro ng hapon, setyembre beinte kwatro, dos mil onse años... It wasn't fleeting, it was... Lingering. And it was bound to linger for a month, ten days, eleven hours, and nineteen minutes -- going, going ala-energizer.

Witchiklet ko beyonce KNOWles why o why ayaw nyang bitawan ang kamay ko hihihi. Alagang perla ba naman, sino ang di mapapakapit davah?! Ay ako ata ang kumapit? Di ko maalala, parang sha eh..o parang pareho ata kami...

Lahat ng bektas na dumalo sa piging eh me contact sa kin. Dahil ako nga ang promotor, ako rin ang point person ng lahat. Pero ang lolo Macoi, kahit nun namumudmod pa lang kami ng stubs, waley reply yun. Si Yuki (@butchmenot) ang common friendship namin at c Yuki din ang kumuha ng stubs nya. After the event, nagtxt ang lolo mo. What followed that single message was a string of events that made my world stop at some points, and made my heart drop in every turn.

If truth be told -- segway muna-- di ba dapat naman talaga laging i-tell ang truth? Parang shunga yung expression na yun, kalevel ng "honestly" at "actually"... Pwede ba naman na "if i would lie..." Hemingway, kumuda pa di ba? As i was saying... If truth be told, ako talaga ang naunang lumandi. Sa twitter, sa text, sa fb. Sa mga mentions, sa chat, sa phone. Ramdam ko, karir na ito. Di ko rin alam san ako kumuha ng kapal ng mukha para umemote ng todo at magpa-girl ng walang humpay sa lolo mo. Dun rin nabuo ang tawagan naming Mob at Mok. My own Blaine. My own Kurt. Lakas maka-Glee ni bakla!


After the event, nagkita kami uli ditey malapit sa Katipunan. Madaling araw na and dinaanan nya ako with his friends kasi me inuman daw sila malapit sa Iskwater. Naloka lang ang buong teammates nya kasi naka-puke shorts akeiwa. Mas naloka ako kasi buong company ata nya yung andun hehehe. Meet the friends na agad level namin? Ambilis naman... Nung pauwi, he texted me with simple words. "I'm happy." Ako rin...

Next na pagkikita namin, di lang ako naloka... Nag-blush na ang buo kong pagkatao, isama mo na pati sa angkan ko! Syet, balbong balbon ang peg ko, semi-kalbo pa. Biglang may dalang flowers ang lolo mo! As in stargazers! Sinong wititit maba-baliwag nun davah?!

Kaya wit akez maka-blog kasi nga I am working on my book na di ko naman ire-release, bet ko lang mag self-publish. At bet ko ring gumawa ng mga kanta na sasabay habang binabasa ko ang bookelya. Tipong soundtrack sa bawat emote. That night, I was busy sa pagsusulat ng "Bitaw" -- the first track on my album. Taray, album talaga?! Eh dahil nga busy ako sa pagsusulat at paglalapat ng musika, kasama si Ghira ang aking musician friend, wit ko ata nabigyang pansin gano ang Mob. Nung pauwi na, saka lang kami naghold-hands ulit. Destinasyon ng mga beki: Iskwala Lumpoor. Kaya hiwa-hiwalay kami ng taxi, shempre kaming duwa lang sa isa para me moment naman kami.

And there, we shared our first kiss. It was like Ted and Victoria in How I met your Mother. I didn't want him to kiss me. Because the moment leading up to the kiss was just as good as the kiss itself. It was more innocent. A pure kiss, if there was such a thing. It was the anticipation that made it even more innocent. Yung di mo alam kung tutuka ka ba, o magpapatuka ka lang. While we were in MOMOL mode (make-out-make-out-lang) I was silently asking God to let him be the one who will momol with me forever.

Kinabukasan, alas-seiz na umuwi ang mga hitad. Nagpaiwan si Mob. Shempre momol uli. Sa bath tub, sa kwarto, sa sala, sa banyo, sa hagdan... Choz! Kala mo andaming lugar sa bahay ko para mag-momol eh noh?! Something was holding me back. His touches were telling me to go... but I never went. Di natuloy ang momol, feeling kasi nya di ako interesado, and I felt like I'm not ready yet. Babae ang peg ko eh. Nung gabing yun, di ako beki. Ang bet ko sana, mahalin ko muna sha before kami magkembangan. Alam mo yun, for a change, pag-ibig naman ang maging pundasyon ng relasyon davah -- wititey andaloo, wichikells erbogelya, wiz ang ka-ngenge-an. Ayokong sabihin nya balang araw na pinatulan ko lang sha kasi nalilibugan ako, or lasing lang ako. Gusto ko handa kami pareho, na mahal namin ang isa't isa. O di ba, babae talaga?!

Our friendship continued. Pero confused kami minsan. Isa-isa lang kasi ang ligawan. Pag niligawan ka enjoyin mo lang, wag mong sabayan ng ligaw din. Para di kayo magkalituhan. Sa Pagpapalibre, yun ang mejo magulo sa amin. Eh since di naman uso sa kin ang pride, keri lang. Ako pa sa kakuriputan kong to. Ni hindi ako competiive na makipagsabayan sa paggastos. Feeling naman ata nya eh obligado shang ilibre ako since nagkakariran nga kami. Yung linggo-linggo naming pagkikita, super special sa akin. Sabi ko nga sa isang tweet, he brings out the woman in me. Sha ang kasama kong manood ng NOW ni Anne Curtis at Cristine Reyes. Masaya pala pag bayola ang ka-date mo noh? Kasi nag-aagawan kami sa role ni Anne hehehe.

Culminating activity namin last Saburdey. Balck Party sa Malate mam, napagkasunduan namin nung dalawa pa naming friendships na costume galore ang effect namin. Ako, si Mob, si AJ at si Brian. Si Brian mam, nakilala ko thru AJ. Si AJ, offismate at wavemate ko dati sa col sener. Eto silang shotlo, at akez naman yung sumunod. Ayako mag-drag queen davah?! At spell bulaklak sa tenga?! Loud!!!

 

Just a brief history, dati na-inluv akez kay AJ. Niligawan ako nyan eh hahaha. We were the closest among our wave, sha si meg na kasama ko rin sa Jigs Zomba Day. Nagkaroon kami nyan dati ng falling out, siguro mga 2 years? Kasi nung minsan na pumunta kami sa Taguig at nag-smorgasbord at buffet sa mga boylets, I made the worst mistake a beki can do. I kissed his boylet. Tapos the very same boylet eh kinembang ni meg, at me eksena pa silang duwa na pwedeng ika-bilibid-china ni kuya. At di pa jan natapos, worst-er eh iniwan ko shang mag-isa para kumembang sa shupatid nung kinembang nya! Yung away namin was uber kalurQUI of the century. Ang point ko, lalaki lang yun, ni hindi nya bowang seryosohan. Ang point nya, bat di ko na lang sinabi na betinolla ko rin si kuya? Lumala ng lumala, hanggang sa naibaon na sa limot, and eventually we found our way back and remained friends. Good friends.

Eto na nga, haba ng brief history ko davah?! Last Saburdey, sa Black Party, ginusto ko namang mag-drag kaso ang sakit sa paa neng! Spell takong ba naman si bakla! Naloka nga si Migs the MGG at si Gibbs Cadiz. Eh kasi si Bi-Em na na-meet nila dati, mukhang ex-con. At yung Bi-Em na na-meet nila nung event, pang byu-con! Shala! Kine-claim ko talaga noh?! Kaso sa sobrang sakit lang ng paa ko, wiz na ako maka-partey-partey sa Bed. At di ko rin naman gaanong vetzin taktaktak ang crowd mam, puro may hasang! Kyombay akeiwa lagi sa piling nina Gracia, ang babaeng bakla ng dekada nobenta. Hanggang umuwi kami ng sumikat na si Ra, at bumorlogs na si Thoth, waley sayawang naganap sa buhay ko. Yun tatlo lang ang nagwala.

Sa isip ko, okay lang na di ko mabantayan ng bongga si Macoi. Kasi nga, I'm his Kurt. He'll always sit beside me when we eat, he'll always hold my hands when we walk, he'll always be around when I need him. Kasi ganun din ako sa kanya. He is my Blaine. I may not be ready yet, but I will be, soon. I was too busy preparing myself to be with him, di ko napansin sha naman eh unti-unti na palang nagmu-move on.

I was seriously contemplating on Mob habang sinusulat ko toh. I wanted him to read this first before I publish it, pero nagbago na ang eksena ngayun, kaya ipo-post ko na to at dito na lang sha magbasa. Kasi my dear self, our story was supposed to be a cliffhanger. Some type of a series na tututukan at babantayan kong isulat. Some kind of an open-ended story, with different moments in our relationship. Some sort of a saga or a chronicle, with powerful and witty one-liners for a closing. Not anymore.

You see, AJ was just like me in many ways. He too, made the worst mistake a beki can do, and that is to kiss a friend's man. He kissed Mob, and I can't blame him. Also, I forgive him. Umamin naman si bakla, siguro para wag na maulit yung eksena namin dati. And since ang mantra ko ay... sabay sabay tayo... I choose happiness!!! Kaya that's what I'm trying to do now.

The sad fact is, Mob kissed him back. It was a two-way traffic road hehehe. Grabe lang kasi mapa-straight o bayola, bigo si Bi-Em. I actually think I saw them, or parang iba yung kahalikan ni Mob that time. Ewan ko na! Di ko na inalam kung sinong unang tumuka. Di ko na rin gustong malaman kung nag-slant ba ang mga ulo nila, kung tumingkayad ba si Mob at yumuko si Meg. Basta ang alam ko, they kissed. And kisses always mean something. At least in my book, it always does. And so here I am, singing Jar of Hearts again, wishing I have never kissed him, I have never known him, I have never loved him.

I'm serry ang shugal kez mag-post. Naligaw kasi ako. For almost three years of blogging, this has been my outlet of frustration, hurt, pain, fears, rejection, anger, happiness, kilig, and all that kembot. I started writing for myself. Nakalimutan ko yun. Because of people reading this blog, naging conscious akez sa stats, sa traffic, sa comments, sa links, sa RSS, sa site visits. I forgot why I made this blog in the first place, and that is to let my inner star shine to the world.

And so, I'm going back to the basics. Magsusulat ulit ako for the joy of writing. For the self-expression. For the pouring of emotions. With that, here I am pouring myself out once more. Kebs na sa mga dautera. I am writing for Bi-Em. I am writing for Jabo. I am writing for me.

It took seven days for the stargazers to dry up and die. It might take seven days for me to move on. Or seven months. Or seven years. Or seven hours. I really don't know. All I know is the number one anti-dandruff shampoo.

And all I can say is... I'm back.

To blog, to write, to compose, to post, to teach, to learn, to bitch or butch around, to think, to watch, to cry, to laugh, to smile, to be happy.

Because once again, I am nobody's beki.